I Am Clueless

It has come to my attention that I am completely clueless when it comes to certain aspects of my life. That I really am the last person to know certain things and that is especially disturbing since it is after all my life. A cathartic revelation here no?

I was attempting to go to sleep the other night which is a feat in and of itself and of course it was way too late for me to be attempting this. As I lay there counting backwards from 300 by threes (I read somewhere that it is supposed to help) a few snippets of what should have been signs from, oh the last year, came rushing in to my head. They were so minor and some might say trivial that I could almost give myself a pass for not recognizing them at the time but gosh are they important in hindsight (yes, I know that is normally 20/20 but I like to think of myself as a rather intuitive person so the fact I missed them is troubling).

The Thoughts In My Head

While it isn’t something people normally own up to, we all talk to ourselves (yes, I did just own that). Admit it, you’re talking to yourself right now (either some variation of “no I don’t talk to myself” or “holy hell, she just admitted a deep dark secret we pinky swear not to tell”). For the most part, we don’t have to worry about it being heard. We try to be all slick about it and most of the time do pull off just doing it in our heads, but every now and again those pesky words just kind of slip out. That’s when we have those “oh God, that wasn’t just in my head, that came out out loud” moments and try to play it off as something totally unrelated. Those are mainly harmless and kind of funny, but I’ve been finding that my inner filter is keeping too much inside as of late.

The thing is; many of those talking to ourselves moments are over things we are too scared to say to those closest to us or that sound so crazy to us that it is kinda scary. For example, my last inner monologue conversation revolved around the fact that I’m currently contemplating something that is so counter to my nature that if I did tell most of my friends they’d be a little scared.