The Thoughts In My Head

While it isn’t something people normally own up to, we all talk to ourselves (yes, I did just own that). Admit it, you’re talking to yourself right now (either some variation of “no I don’t talk to myself” or “holy hell, she just admitted a deep dark secret we pinky swear not to tell”). For the most part, we don’t have to worry about it being heard. We try to be all slick about it and most of the time do pull off just doing it in our heads, but every now and again those pesky words just kind of slip out. That’s when we have those “oh God, that wasn’t just in my head, that came out out loud” moments and try to play it off as something totally unrelated. Those are mainly harmless and kind of funny, but I’ve been finding that my inner filter is keeping too much inside as of late.

The thing is; many of those talking to ourselves moments are over things we are too scared to say to those closest to us or that sound so crazy to us that it is kinda scary. For example, my last inner monologue conversation revolved around the fact that I’m currently contemplating something that is so counter to my nature that if I did tell most of my friends they’d be a little scared.

I had a full on cathartic talk to (not with as I wasn’t answering myself) about cutting and running in a certain situation before anything bad happens. This is not me. I don’t quit on things, I don’t bail, I don’t welch. I’m a trooper and perhaps a smidge too stubborn for my own good. I stick by people through thick, thin and even thinner so why am I thinking of leaving this particular situation? Nothing overly bad has happened (that I’m aware of at least). This is not me.

It might just come down to the fact I’m a little more than emotionally invested/attached/scared with the situation at this point to really think of it any other way. Or that history has taught me not to trust all of my instincts (yes, I should channel my inner Torrance Shipman from “Bring It On” and just get out there with my spirit fingers and trudge forward but I can’t find my spanky pants so that won’t happen;). Or, to use another analogy, it’s like Baby said in “Dirty Dancing” when she was talking about leaving and never feeling that way ever again. Sigh.

Despite my urge to try something new, I’m valiantly resisting the urge at the moment, but it keeps creeping up at inopportune times. Any ideas on how to get back to my stuck in the mud, digging in my heels, go with the gusto thinking?